Contradanza by Vanessa Mae
haiz.. been reading ard fren's blogs, some of them were tokking abt trust, hmmm... now for my pt of view.. guess i've already given up on this thing dat starts wit a letter "T", most ppl dun seem to trust me, hide things from me, not willing to reveal wat they're thinking, n they ASSUME that i'll noe how they feel.. hahha.. too bad, i DUN. think i wat? got laser eyes?? take for eg my family, aunt and ah ma... seriously they're too over-protective of me, over-protective to the extent dat if i'm not home at 10, i'll get a phone call (sometimes i hate hps..) DEMANDING dat i return home asap.. hello.. did they ever realise dat i'm already 21 going 22 n supposedly to be married off in another few yrs time? n i'm like moulded into wat they want me to be, its so.. frustrating, angonising, freak off.. its not as if i still dunno wats right or wrong, as if i'm a kid.. n watever i wanna speak out, they dun listen, act their own ways n commit mistakes which i've already foreseen, n they jus expect me to noe everything, not telling me when i'm supposed to be home, then only until i've planned to stay out they'll simply tell me to come home n eat.. wat the heck.... where's my supposedly life? its wasting my youth man..
kk now on for my frens, trust, ok lah.. selectively bah.. i'm one dat seldom pours out my troubles, so its all bottled inside, up till the pt of breaking, of imploding, so sometimes u'll see depressing stuff on my blogs, well, writing is my way of venting, be it in chinese, eng, blogs or lyrics, watever.. i jus cant find a soulmate to pour out everything, bcos 1stly, i feel its adding on to their own troubles, 2ndly, they can only give suggestions, they can hardly understand the consequences bcos they're not u... how many times have we heard "u'll nvr noe until u try it.." the fact is, if its tried, its irreversible, u cant turn back time if u regret wat u've done, so simply being a non-risk taker, i'll avoid confrontations. for my frens part, hmm.. my big dipper kakis dun seem to have much problems, living happily day by day, or even if they have i wun noe.. blahh.. i've been called a cow by emily(seen me moo-ing ard in msn rite..) reason behind tis nick, well, ever heard of 对牛弹琴? she complained dat i seldom understand wat she's tokking in one incident, abt her problems dat is.. wanna defend myself, not dat i dun understand, i do, at least a bit, but i'm replying wit some craps so as to make the situation lighter, cheer her up a bit, tried giving her suggestions but she had already thot of them so its like adding on to her problems like dat.. oh well, these ppl already noe i'm like dat, so i sometimes get emails from lion(grace) complaining abt aust, her exams, mystery gifts, etc etc and from cat(emily) abt her "pest", mainly i guess they come to me more for a change of mood than for solution bah, althou i did suggest some... its ok.. i've been called loads of nicknames by these ppl, to the pt dat i seem to get a new name every 3 mths??i've been known as a wall, a woodhead, etc etc for not being a gd person to come to for pouring of troubles, not giving replies.. hahhah.. 习惯就好 lah.. its not dat i dun understand, its jus dat i dunno wat will happen, or if i'll offend u if i gave any suggestions from my pt of view.. but not giving suggestions will make the other person deter from telling u their problems again, so its like.. argh.. (seriously i'm not thinking well now.. i dunno wat i'm trying to express..) but even thou i'm a wall which u wun get much replies from other than ur own echoes, at least i'm not a recorder or something which others can jus click a button n i'll broadcast.. (understand??)
i'll say to gain my trust as much as dat i'll tell u my problems is seriously hard.. so far i guess only a handful of ppl did it.. hahhaha.. heng? or suay? *grinz* these ppl have been suffering from my grumblings.. ahahhahha..
sometime thou, i find dat even keeping mum will bring troubles, for so many times, i've been accused (backstabbed) for saying bad abt others when actually, i din even say a thing.. its like.. wat the hell, i wasnt even thinking of anything man.. so its like, keeping mum is not a choice, speaking out is oso not a gd choice, wat man... (i'll still keep to my keeping mum anyway)
finally to end tis topic, a song, written by 在下, 我.. hahhah wonders if u all have seen this..
挡箭板
太多的虚伪假装 增添了世界悲伤
有很多蓄意重伤 打在身后的挡箭板
我没错你还要讲 了解我内心创伤
不明白奇怪思想 那应该是谁在圆谎
你抓住我的哀伤 再继续把它加宽
看出我表面坚强 其实内心脆弱难堪
你要说我给你讲 别担心我不喜欢
我早就习以为常 你假装已变成习惯
我不想听 谁在谁背后说我不喜欢谁
真假虚伪 听在我耳里可是一个累赘
谁错谁对 谁在谁面前装做无所谓
这种滋味并不美 将关系化吹灰
(习惯人心的虚伪 只是虚伪的傀儡)
我不想听 不想懂 我无所谓
simply put it in tis way, i dun wanna noe wat others say, i avoid listening to all the pretence, etc etc, its better not to noe then to noe that those u've trusted r not wat u think they r..
life's pretty stablized (read:BORING) for me now, work, go home, watch gundam seed (super nice show, highly recommended!!) sleep, work again.. sats drums, (tis sat going to have 武林大会!!) sun, sleep,(tis sun going for a music talk..) hmm.. wanna fasterly finish watching my gundam seed, then work on the models!!~~ hee hee.. starting on my aile strike (HG) liao.. wanna get freedom (HG) after tis~ its so cool~~~ hohohhho.. n now after watching 40+ ep.. i find diaka quite a nice guy oso... heh heh.. he's a bad guy initially.. but he's now interested in milly~ sooo.. he's so shy when he toks to her.. cute fella~ n i still find frey's a bitch.. hhahahah
slacked the morning away liao.. gonna finish up the reports later~
2 comments:
my poor baby...no worries...mummy's here k...hee~
honestly, this is wat life is. life to me is simply a cycle of activities. a routine. everybody's doing it consciously or unconsciously. u r not alone in this game. this season u r cycling ur gundam activities n such. till u r bored, u'll start a new cycle. karaoke-ing?pubbing?clubbing?travelling?jamming?slacking?TRAVELLING! ya i oni u like tat. travel around the world. go europe. go america. go china. goto all the continents. visit the penguins at northpole. but den...sigh...no money rite? or well, at the end or halfway thru the world, u realise tat it's all the same. we cant break this cycle. it's infinity is limited. juz like the internet. it's so huge. therez infinite info in it. but if u look hard n long enuf. the info r all the same. same but put in a different way. tatz how i like to see my everyday nowadays. the same mons to sundays but done in a different way each time. mayb last weekend u go karaoke with yer frenz. sang a few songs. mayb tis wkend u'll proly go again? try some other songs. or try singing it in another way? mayb an off-key way? juz try something different. it mayb sound stupid, silly or bor-liaoz ( all 3 words mean the same thing btw...haha) but at least u felt the small difference. but den u may say, i cant do much with my 10pm curfew. i'm like 21. my youth is like passing by me. seriously, wat can u do after 10pm in sg other than clubbing or pubbing or slacking at some kopitiam? ok fine mayb watch a midnite movie. but u can do tat b4 10 rite? ppl wan things tat they dun hv. they wanna experience things. while others dun wan any of it bcoz they know the burden of owning it. for me, to hv tat freedom of going home late can be quite sucky at times. knowing tat i can walk in home gracefully at 3am, i hv to think of activites to last me till then (which is usually nothing much n costly also!). if still tink all tis is crappy, mayb juz try again to extend ur curfew a bit longer. say 1-2 hours more. curfew at midnite. i'm sure u've tried means n ways to try to get it n i assume hv completely given up. the constant nagging. those bleeding ears. mayb find a time. mayb when u go home today, talk to ur elders. ask them nicely. ask them when they least expect u to. they hv their reasons for it. u might hv heard it b4 but oh well juz listen to it again. who knows u mihgt juz get tat 2 xtra hours everyday. if u hv sumthin to say, say it. dun keep it inside. we mayb juz be 'family'. if it's within my means & abilily, i'll do watever i can. else i can listen to watever u wish to say. i can be ur punching bag. i can be ur shoulder. i can be ur tissue paper. Trouble is part of ur life ? if u dun share it, u dun give the person who loves u a chance to love u enuf.
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